the most beautiful girl

i saw the most beautiful girl today.

it was not my usual time to travel to school. i had to attend an uncuttable immersion orientation at 10:30 in the morning. I was the group leader, so i couldn't possibly be late. i woke up around 8, showered and dressed just in time to catch a rerun episode of Friends on Star World. i ate breakfast as i watched, and after the show ended i left the house.

i took the usual morning walk along Pitimini street. It was a sunny yet cold morning. i stopped by the store where i usually buy my cigarettes, but then i realized i still had a half pack in my bag. so i went on with my walk, yawning almost half the time. I crossed Roosevelt avenue, and waited to ride my first of three jeepneys to school. I got in the jeepney, paid my fare, and closed my eyes trying to squeeze in a three minute sleep before i had to get off the jeep.

it was around 9:35 when i reached Pantranco, where i got off the first jeepney. it wasn't the usual people i saw waiting for a UP Campus jeepeney on MWFs. This was a separate group; a group who had class at 10 or 10:30 in the morning. after a minute or two, a UP-bound jeepney came and we boarded, as if it was our school bus. well it actually was.

after a seemingly endless 10-minute traverse of Quezon Avenue, the jeepney stopped at the corner after National Bookstore. the name of the street escapes me as i write now. but the where is insignificant to the who. she boarded the jeepney, and sat on the opposite row facing me. she was two persons to the left of the passenger seatd in front of me. which meant i had to face a little bit to the right to get a better view of her.

but there she was. the most beautiful girl i ever saw.

she was about 5'5 or 5'6. she wore a yellow top and khaki shorts. the maroon ID strap around her neck was evidence enough that she studied in UP. she had a light backpack, which she placed on her lap. she opened her purse from her bag and collected the coins she needed to pay her fare. it was a cute scene. it was the scene in a movie where the lead actress looked like a total klutz; she smiled shyly and laughed a little bit at herself for having a hard time collecting coins from her purse. she threw glances left and right, as if managing through a mind map of her purse. still smiling. then when she finally got a hold of the ten one-peso coins, i heard the softest, most feminine voice i have ever heard. bayad po. it was my new LSS. bayad po.

when we crossed EDSA, it occured to me that all i have been doing was looking at her. but you can't blame me, i tell you. you would stare at her too if you saw her.

hers was a beauty i could not easily forget. her tan was near perfect. not dark, not light, not white, not black. yummy milk chocolate brown, if i had to name the color. her hair, her shoulder length, black and brown hair, was neatly tied with a sophisticated style that accented her magical face and her slender neck. the shape of her head and of her face was nearly angelic. her lips were not a perfect red, but a simple red which she kept wetting everynow and then. her nose was not straight nor pointy. it was just right, a filipina nose: cute and would've been fun to tease her with (just like her ears). her eyebrows were cut cleanly. but then i saw the most striking part of her face. her eyes. dark brown and chinky, almost like chinese eyes except that hers had more of an opening--just enough to let people gaze into. and so i gazed into her eyes.

i suddenly realized that i have been staring at her for minutes. nonstop. she kept looking outside, onto the traffic. i smiled whenever the bastardly brake of the jeepney caused her to lose her balance and hit her seatmates. she mouthed 'sorry' each time. i was about to say 'ok lang' one time, but it hit me that i wasn't the one she was talking to. buti na lang.

but then the unthinkable (or atleast what i didn't think would happen) happened. i was staring at her, admiring her deep soulful eyes when she caught my glimpse. she stared at me too. there was about a five or six second span where we just looked straight at each other.

1.. 2.. 3.. then i started to zone out.. there was no one else but her in front of me..

4.. 5.. then i smiled--that stupid smile that could have scared the hell out of satan himself--for no apparent reason

6.. then she smiled too.

7.. no there was no seven. after she smiled we lost eye contact because of that god damn son of a bitch driver who couldn't properly brake if the whole world and the survival of mankind depended on it. shit. i glanced at her, but she was looking down and elsewhere after that. sayang.

sayang. i wanted to tell her pa naman "you had me at 'bayad po'". just kidding. but there you go.

i saw the most beautiful girl today. and she looked back and smiled.

i miss you

i miss the highschool me.

i was doing my aegis write-up and for input, i decided to take a look at my friendster testimonials and comments and messages. yun ang highschool e, friendster. aminin mo man o hindi, alam mong karamihan ng mga friends mo sa friendster ay nakilala mo nung highschool ka. after viewing my friendster profile, i shifted to my multiply account and my ym list. i looked at the pictures and blogs i uploaded, and then i asked a few of the people in my ym list who i am to them. i was shocked at the differences (and similarities, but for the most part the differences) of how people viewed me then and now.

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..then..
i was the leader. people looked to me for direction, guidance, advice and stuff. i loved the attention, and i loved the distinction. the world could have melted and i still would've smiled after reading those testimonials. responsible, god-fearing, trusted friend, smart, creative, easy to talk to, at the top of his batch, president of the student government, sweet(?), romantic(?). it was a list of my credentials then.

..now..
who the fuck am i now? not that im complaining. but who i am now is a far cry from who i was then. using the big fish analogy, highschool was a pond, really. now that im in the sea, hell, i aint so big anymore. but to tell the truth, this was what i was wishing for after hs graduation. to blend in, to NOT be expected of anything, to NOT be at the top, to NOT be the go-to-guy. as much as i loved the attention then, i guess i just got so full of it. and ateneo gave me the satisfaction. all i am now is one of those unpredictable guys. as a friend mentioned, i defy stereotypes. a good example of "dont judge a book by its cover", daw. akala ng karamihan ako yung tipong gago, C-average person na walang pakialam sa studies. yung tamad sa grupo, yung pa-easy easy lang, yung asa lang ng asa sa iba. dahil lagi akong nakangiti, nagyoyosi, umiinom kada linggo, minsan may balbas, labas ng labas, nagccram 5minutes bago magklase. hindi ako yun, tsong. nagkakamali ka.

..anyway..
the thing that remained constant was how people described me as the funny man. the entertainer. and i agree, i am that person. i love to make people smile and laugh and giggle. if the people around me are happy, then i'm happy. no questions asked.

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honestly, i don't know how i feel about the change in me. i'm not sure if i'm happy and contented that i've finally blended with the crowd, or if i'm sad and itching for that limelight to shine on me and separate me from the crowd, again. all i know is i miss the highschool me.

the ides of may

It begins with the locking of the eyes
The separation draws them even closer
For after the waters have gone dry
He will stand still, bolder and stronger

It begins with the touching of the lips
The attraction now grasping eternity
While the moon upon the window creeps
She will stay steady, true simplicity

It begins with the opening of the heart
Two lovers fall onn the fifteenth of May
Two hands caught in a carefree sway
Two heartbeats less than a second apart

the efficiency of love

Isn't it ridiculous that man--so intelligent and hardworking and proud--still could not figure out a single explanation for the occurence of love. They say that that which you cannot measure, you cannot know. True? We are able to comprehend by putting the intended subject within our own horizon of comprehension. If we cannot grasp it as a whole, then we cannot know it. And so love, along with so many other things, is left in the darkness. But even so, we use love for so many things, in so many ways, as if it is what gives us life. How come love can be a measure of so many things, when love itself cannot be measured?

the innocent smile

Is there such a thing as an innocent smile? A smile without any reason, without any expectation. Does it exist? We smile because (a) something's funny and it would be inappropriate to laugh out loud, (b) we want the person we're smiling at to smile back, or (c) someone is already smiling at us, and we feel the need to smile back. Do we, ever, smile just because? How lucky can someone get to be given this elusive, innocent smile..

losing a friend

ever had the feeling where you and someone you used to be very close with started drifting apart? someone you used to see everyday. someone you used to swap stories with. someone you shared your life with. someone you depended on when times got tough. someone you trusted your entire being with. you could see the countdown towards the end of your friendship. as if the year was about to end. 3.. 2.. 1..

its more of a "see you later" than a "goodbye", really. its not the end of the world for the two of you. just the end of an era accoridng to Joey. you'll never get the closeness back. but you'll still have the friendship. the second-hand friendship. you had a great frienship then, but now its something else. something lesser. sure, you'll say "Hi!" and you'll text quotes and jokes, and an occasional "musta?ü" but you will never have the same connection back. you will never be on the exact same page again. like reading a choose-your-own-adventure book, you turned to page 23 while your friend flipped to page 32. weird metaphor, i know.

where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

yan, song line na lang. is there an upside to losing a friend? the closest i can think of is finding a new one. but then again, i would rather be friends with a few people over a long period of time than be friends with various people on short-term bases. second-hand friendship would be number one in my top ten list of things to avoid. do everything you can to keep the friendship.

so this is my new year post. i raise my glass to those who used to be my close friends, those who still are, and those who are about to be.. here's to you and to second-hand friendship.