i miss you

i miss the highschool me.

i was doing my aegis write-up and for input, i decided to take a look at my friendster testimonials and comments and messages. yun ang highschool e, friendster. aminin mo man o hindi, alam mong karamihan ng mga friends mo sa friendster ay nakilala mo nung highschool ka. after viewing my friendster profile, i shifted to my multiply account and my ym list. i looked at the pictures and blogs i uploaded, and then i asked a few of the people in my ym list who i am to them. i was shocked at the differences (and similarities, but for the most part the differences) of how people viewed me then and now.

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..then..
i was the leader. people looked to me for direction, guidance, advice and stuff. i loved the attention, and i loved the distinction. the world could have melted and i still would've smiled after reading those testimonials. responsible, god-fearing, trusted friend, smart, creative, easy to talk to, at the top of his batch, president of the student government, sweet(?), romantic(?). it was a list of my credentials then.

..now..
who the fuck am i now? not that im complaining. but who i am now is a far cry from who i was then. using the big fish analogy, highschool was a pond, really. now that im in the sea, hell, i aint so big anymore. but to tell the truth, this was what i was wishing for after hs graduation. to blend in, to NOT be expected of anything, to NOT be at the top, to NOT be the go-to-guy. as much as i loved the attention then, i guess i just got so full of it. and ateneo gave me the satisfaction. all i am now is one of those unpredictable guys. as a friend mentioned, i defy stereotypes. a good example of "dont judge a book by its cover", daw. akala ng karamihan ako yung tipong gago, C-average person na walang pakialam sa studies. yung tamad sa grupo, yung pa-easy easy lang, yung asa lang ng asa sa iba. dahil lagi akong nakangiti, nagyoyosi, umiinom kada linggo, minsan may balbas, labas ng labas, nagccram 5minutes bago magklase. hindi ako yun, tsong. nagkakamali ka.

..anyway..
the thing that remained constant was how people described me as the funny man. the entertainer. and i agree, i am that person. i love to make people smile and laugh and giggle. if the people around me are happy, then i'm happy. no questions asked.

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honestly, i don't know how i feel about the change in me. i'm not sure if i'm happy and contented that i've finally blended with the crowd, or if i'm sad and itching for that limelight to shine on me and separate me from the crowd, again. all i know is i miss the highschool me.

the ides of may

It begins with the locking of the eyes
The separation draws them even closer
For after the waters have gone dry
He will stand still, bolder and stronger

It begins with the touching of the lips
The attraction now grasping eternity
While the moon upon the window creeps
She will stay steady, true simplicity

It begins with the opening of the heart
Two lovers fall onn the fifteenth of May
Two hands caught in a carefree sway
Two heartbeats less than a second apart

the efficiency of love

Isn't it ridiculous that man--so intelligent and hardworking and proud--still could not figure out a single explanation for the occurence of love. They say that that which you cannot measure, you cannot know. True? We are able to comprehend by putting the intended subject within our own horizon of comprehension. If we cannot grasp it as a whole, then we cannot know it. And so love, along with so many other things, is left in the darkness. But even so, we use love for so many things, in so many ways, as if it is what gives us life. How come love can be a measure of so many things, when love itself cannot be measured?

the innocent smile

Is there such a thing as an innocent smile? A smile without any reason, without any expectation. Does it exist? We smile because (a) something's funny and it would be inappropriate to laugh out loud, (b) we want the person we're smiling at to smile back, or (c) someone is already smiling at us, and we feel the need to smile back. Do we, ever, smile just because? How lucky can someone get to be given this elusive, innocent smile..

losing a friend

ever had the feeling where you and someone you used to be very close with started drifting apart? someone you used to see everyday. someone you used to swap stories with. someone you shared your life with. someone you depended on when times got tough. someone you trusted your entire being with. you could see the countdown towards the end of your friendship. as if the year was about to end. 3.. 2.. 1..

its more of a "see you later" than a "goodbye", really. its not the end of the world for the two of you. just the end of an era accoridng to Joey. you'll never get the closeness back. but you'll still have the friendship. the second-hand friendship. you had a great frienship then, but now its something else. something lesser. sure, you'll say "Hi!" and you'll text quotes and jokes, and an occasional "musta?ü" but you will never have the same connection back. you will never be on the exact same page again. like reading a choose-your-own-adventure book, you turned to page 23 while your friend flipped to page 32. weird metaphor, i know.

where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

yan, song line na lang. is there an upside to losing a friend? the closest i can think of is finding a new one. but then again, i would rather be friends with a few people over a long period of time than be friends with various people on short-term bases. second-hand friendship would be number one in my top ten list of things to avoid. do everything you can to keep the friendship.

so this is my new year post. i raise my glass to those who used to be my close friends, those who still are, and those who are about to be.. here's to you and to second-hand friendship.